A few weeks ago I returned from a business trip to LA but my bags decided to stay a few more days. This is the fifth time I've left an airport without my luggage, so I was used to it, but my winter coat was in my bag and I really needed that coat. I know I shouldn't have taken it. It was over seventy degrees the whole time I was there. But I didn't mean to. My plans were to leave it in the car when Sean dropped me off except it was so damn cold that my brain froze solid in my head. I looked like an Eskimo with dorky glasses hailing cabs in my ice fishing gear. So I lugged it around the whole time I was there and then didn't have it when I flew back to 10 degree weather. This was even a bigger problem because we were going to attend the inauguration of the first black president the following day. I had no coat to wear to DC and according to weather.com I would be freezing my ass off while shouting "O Baum Ah."
I ventured to the attic and found a space-saver bag full of old coats. My choices ranged from a Worldwide Pants Letter Jacket (with leather sleeves and all) to a black suede trench coat that I somehow thought was cool at one point in my life. I struggled and eventually landed on a costume from Halloween past.
Oh, Margot Tenenbaum, I have missed you. In my imagination this coat would be fine to wear for a weekend. It may actually look cool if I wore it right. This was actually not true. Not true at all. The moment I stepped outside I became instantly aware of how stupid I looked. I suddenly flashed back to junior high when I wore a pink sports bra and green leggings in my performance of "part of that world" from the Little Mermaid in the junior high talent show. I flashed to the time I wore a costume of an angel to kindergarten on All Saint's Day because I mistakenly thought we were supposed to. Suddenly the generic skidz I wore in 6th grade didn't seem all that bad. At least I was young enough during those instances to claim I didn't know better. But I am 29 years old. I've been around the block- I should have known better.
I looked like a fool. We went for brunch and I think I actually heard people laughing at me. It really was that bad. I have gained some Pittsburgh pounds since moving to the city where french fries are automatically put on everything from sandwiches to salads. The coat would not button, the shoulders were too snug and walking around with the coat open gave me something of a pimp strut and made me so cold I was turning a pale purple. It was not a good look.
I gave up on the coat and borrowed a friend's for the weekend realizing that I had to put the days of the Margot Tenenbaum coat behind me forever.
When I returned home Steve H. was all too excited to snuggle with the faux fur atrocity. I decided then and there, it would be his. Goodbye Margot Tenenbaum, it was nice knowing you. I will miss your dark eyes and your polo dress. I will miss your brooding attitude, your wooden finger, and the accessory of a cigarette. I just hope Steve loves you as much as I once did.
Instructions for making a dog bed out of an old faux Fur coat.
1. Admit you can not wear coat
2. Remove shoulders from coat.
3. stuff coat with 2 cheap pillows. (much cheaper than trying to fill it with that cotton fiber fill crap)
4. Use fabric glue to hem sides.
5. give to dog.