The Unexpected Housewife

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

Anyone can throw a pork shoulder in a crock pot with some sauerkraut but only a true jerk can make pork and sauerkraut fancy..Enter, the New Year Wellington.

My parents were in town today and while I put them to work stripping wallpaper and repainting my bathroom I decided to make a nice dinner for all of us to enjoy.

Pork Wellington (serves 8, or 3 people plus Sean Rogers)

2 pork tenderloins

1 package/can/bottle sauerkraut drained

12 oz. mushrooms

caraway seeds

10 strips bacon, cooked

dijon mustard

1 box puff pastry

Salt and Pepper the pork and brown on all sides. remove from skillet and set aside.

chop mushrooms and cook until they start to brown, add the caraway seeds and sauerkraut and heat through. Remove from heat and let cool.

On a piece of plastic wrap lay out 5 strips of bacon (cooked but still a little limp)

Make a joke about your husband being limp when he is cooked too.

Spread mushroom sauerkraut mixture over bacon.

Cover pork with mustard and lay on top of bacon.

Roll it up using the plastic to cover the pork with the stuff.

wrap in plastic and refrigerate for at least 3 hours.

preheat oven to 375.

roll out puff pastry and wrap around the bacon wrapped tenderloin using egg wash to seal edges.

brush top with egg wash and bake for about 25 minutes, un

til pork is about 150.

let rest for a few minutes, slice and serve.

She's Back

2012-01-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

This blog has been dormant for some time now but it is coming back with a vengence. I have found myself falling into an even more unexpected role as I am now an unemployed stay at home mother. I never expected to be a stay at home mom but I got myself knocked up in Puerto Rico about 2 years ago and my mess of a company finally folded and laid me off 2 months ago ( 4 years since I quit and moved 10 hours away).

So now that I know everything there is to know about rearing a child, keeping house and being an obedient wife I thought it was my duty to revive this blog and share my knowledge with the world. Strap on your strap ons folks......

a very cheap Halloween

2009-10-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

Things on the job front have been unstable to say the least so funds are a little low this month. This has inspired me to come up with some new decor ideas that cost little or no money.

Scary Photo Wall

Instead of buying those generic art frames with the pictures that change when you move I opted for a free print from home option. I just did a google search for creepy vintage pictures and eventually came across these horrible family photos. I printed each and stuck it on some black poster board and ended up with a cheap photo wall.

Apothecary Cabinet

For the past few months I have been saving glass jars. I combined the load of jars with my spice jars and relabeled them with more appropriate labels. I threw some poster board over the books on the book shelf and loaded it up with my jars. I added an Apothecary sign made from poster board and called it a day.

I wanted to use up some of the old wall pieces we had laying in the basement and thought why not make a sign for the backyard. After agonizing about what to put on the sing I settled on zombies. My favorite part is the zombie....I am thinking of painting a larger one on the neighbors house.

Halloween is Approaching.

2009-10-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

My favorite Holiday is quickly approaching and though I have been thinking about it since June I have finally started to transform my house into what will be the location for the greatest party of all time. This year's party will feature many new and exciting things but the most significant will be the band. Meeting of Important People, a local Pittsburgh band, will be playing for an hour at our party. Brian and I won a raffle at the WYEP rock the block party for a one hour house concert. MOIP agreed to show up for our halloween party! Perfect.

Stay tuned for Halloween Party Prep tips and updates.

Welcome Back

2009-10-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have not written here is a very very long time. But who really cares? No one. So instead of acting like I have to apologize to the phantom reader out there, I will just start this thing up again. I may stop tomorrow, I may write every day for the rest of the year. It doesn't really matter.

been some time

2009-08-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

It has been some time since I have posted but last nights dinner deserves to be shared. It was delicious!
Figs with black pepper honey & goat cheese

Cumin spiced pork chops with tomatillo and apple salsa.

Finally getting some use out of those Wedding Gifts.

2009-07-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

There is one thing that is guaranteed when you get married: you will receive a bunch of personalized, weird shit. Some of these things are useful and some are so far from useful that you wonder what your great aunt was on when she bought it. I heard people say things like, "Well they're so unique, I wanted to get them something unique and fun". This is a mistake. There are are only a few rules that I feel should be followed in gift-giving. Any gift should be appreciated but these rules do exist.

1. Give gift receipts when possible.
2.. Never get someone something to decorate their home unless you have been in the home and can select something that fits with the decor they have already chosen.

3. Sex acts as gifts are almost always inappropriate.

That's it. Simple enough.

Unfortunately we received many "unique" gifts, all without gift receipts that now sit in a box in our attic waiting for the day when I need to be reminded of my wedding date in 6 different colors of monogrammed blankets.

We received several canvas "art pieces" that I can only assume we are supposed to hang above our beds to remind us of our love. They include our names, wedding date and in some cases inspirational words of love.

I have been on quite a tear decorating the house lately and came across a box of gifts that included the above gem. With my spray paint in hand, I took to the back yard determined to make this canvas into something I could hang in my house. A few coats later, I was pleased to hang this on my wall.

The second canvas pictured was a beautiful Rogers family monogram. Now I just need to find a use for the three Bibles we received and Uncle Tom's coupon for two sensual massages.

From the "Does that really work" file

2009-07-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

I have been hearing all over the place that you can re-grow green onions. After you cut the white part with the root off you throw it in a glass of water and it will regenerate. I tried it out and it does, in fact, work.

The best part about the whole deal is that they don't have to grow in dirt thus eliminating the crap that finds it's way inside the sprouts. There is a downside though, I think they lose a bit of their flavor the more they reproduce. It's like burying your onion in the pet cemetery, as Jud would say, "Sometimes dead is bettah".

Best Sandwich in the world!

2009-06-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Fatty's Cafe in Astoria, the Chavorrayo.

I have been craving this since I moved out of New York, now I am whipping up my own "Chav's" on a regular basis.

Loaf of Crusty bread
chicken breasts
avocado
jack cheese
garlic aioli (recipe below)

just season the chicken breasts with salt and pepper and cook them however you want.

layer chicken breast, avocado an some jack cheese. Smear the garlic aioli on. Then I try to grill it like a panini. I just kind of press it on the griddle. There it is simple as pie.

For the garlic aioli ....

3 cloves of garlic chopped
1 large egg
1 tbsp. lemon juice
1 tbsp. fresh chopped parsley
1/2 teaspoon salt
couple turns of pepper
1/2 cup olive oil

combine everythign in a food processor (or blender) except the oil and pulse until it turns into a paste
slowly add the oil while running the food processor or blender

Welcome Saoirse Cake

2009-06-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

I attempted my first ever tiered cake last week. The bottom tier looked great. I was talking to Sean while rolling out the fondant for the top layer which caused me to loose focus so it was a little messy. Overall the cake turned out pretty good and tasted great! (It was even a hit with "picky timmy")

Top Tier- chocolate with vanilla buttercream filling
Bottom Tier- Lemon cake with lemon curd filling and buttercream frosting

Aprons!

2009-06-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

I love Aprons. They are in fact one of the catalysts to my housewife transformation. On a recent trip though the hocking hills I stumbled across a vintage skirt apron for only $2.50! Quite a find. Upon my return I went on an online search for aprons and found my supplier has gone out of business to "be a mom". LAME! There are still some aprons on the site but it looks like only the ugly ones are left.
Anyway I did find her blog that has a regular apron giveaway. Check it out!

Bareaoke

2009-06-02T06:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes working from home can make you feel like you are living a boring life. Because of this you may find yourself accepting invitations to do about anything. One minute I was baking sugar cookies and before I knew it I was piling into a minivan with eight 21 year olds heading to Bareaoke. Yes, Bareoke. This is not karaoke based on Barry Manaloe nor is it karaoke at a lodge with bears hanging on the wall...it is BARE- AOKE. As in karaoke sung while strippers gyrate on the stage to your song.

The club, the Tennyson Lodge, is run by a mother, daughter and their dog. It is beyond anything you can imagine. The dancers are well passed their prime as evidenced by the knee braces and potbellys. Dj Marty and his metal head friends rule the place along with college kids and middle aged couples looking to put some spice into their relationship.

This is one of those things you have to experience to truly understand. Just do not invite me to come along, I think once was enough.

Top 5 most awkward Song Choices for Bare-aoke

Lightning Crashes- LIVE

Runaway Train- Soul Asylum

We Built this City- Jefferson Starship

Mr. Roboto- Styx

The Living Years- Mike and the Mechanics

FYI- website find

2009-06-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

In my day to day life of surfing the web for countless hours I often stumble upon websites that are useful. One such site is runpee.com .

Visit this website to learn the best time to run out for a bathroom break, how long you will have to pee and what you will miss while you are gone.

Home Made Household Cleaners

2009-05-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to make my own household cleaners for a while and today is the day. Yes, I am in it for the green reasons, reduces waste, chemical free etc... but I am also in it for the cost saving factor and the smell. My nose hairs have been burt from a good bathroom cleaning.

Making your own cleaners required the Holy Trinity of household items. Lemons, Baking Soda and Vinegar. With these 3 you can make almost any cleaner you require. I am so excited about trying these out I may actually clean my house.

Vinyl Floor Cleaner- 1 cup white vinegar, 1 gallon warm water

Wood Floor Cleaner- 1/2 cup vinegar, 1 gallon water

Window Cleaner- 2 drops dish detergent, 3 tsp vinegar, 2 cups water

Scrub Powder (Commet)- baking soda

All Purpose Cleaner- 1 cup vinegar, juice of one lemon, gallon of water

There are tons of sites out there with recipes and ideas on more ways to make your own products. Here are a few:

Earth Easy

Tree Hugging Family

Orges are like Onions

2009-05-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

If cutting into onions makes you cry like a wuss....

Try cutting near an open flame on your stovetop. It eats the gasses and helps you avoid looking like an idiot.

OPA!

2009-05-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

Today's new recipe was Spanakopita or Spinach Pie. I love this Greek treat but have never gotten around to trying it myself. In Astoria we used to trip over spinach pie on our way to the subway. It was all over the place. You stop for coffee, here have some spinach pie. Oh, you want a pack of cigarettes? Would you like Spanakopita with that? Close to the time we left Astoria my brother got engaged to a Greek lady. Like really Greek. Like, uses the word YA YA and not be referring to your vagina Greek. Anyway, she soon became my source for Spanakopita. Her family recipe is so good I never wanted to try to do my own. But alas, this week is all about trying new things so I busted out the phyllo and went to work.
Spanakopita
adapted from Tyler Florence
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped1/2 cup chopped green onions, white and green parts4 garlic cloves, minced2 pounds fresh baby spinach, trimmed, washed and roughly chopped
1/2 lemon, juiced
2 eggs, lightly beaten
6 ounces crumbled traditional feta
5 ounces crumbled reduced fat feta (yea, like this is going to make it healthy)
1 tablespoon coriander seeds, toasted and ground
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 pound unsalted butter, melted
1 pound phyllo pastry sheets1/4 cup dried oregano1/4 cup finely chopped chives (from my own garden!)
1/2 cup grated Parmesan

Heat olive oil in a large skillet and place over medium heat. Saute onions and garlic for 3 minutes until soft. Add the spinach, season with salt and pepper, and continue to saute until the spinach is limp, about 5 minutes. Add lemon juice, remove from heat and place in a colander, and squeeze out excess liquid using a cheese cloth. Set aside to cool. In a medium bowl, beat the eggs with feta, coriander, and nutmeg. Season, then fold in the cooled spinach mixture until well blended.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F, brush 2 baking sheets with some melted butter. Unroll the phyllo dough and lay a sheet flat on a work surface. Keep the phyllo covered with a damp, not wet, towel as you work to prevent drying out and becoming brittle. Brush the sheet with melted butter, then sprinkle evenly with some oregano and chives. Repeat with 2 more sheets of phyllo, stacking on top of each other. With a pizza cutter, cut the sheets lengthwise into thirds to form strips.
Place a heaping teaspoon of filling near 1 corner of the layered phyllo strip. Fold the end at an angle over the filling to form a triangle. Continue to fold the triangle along the strip until you reach the end, like folding up a flag. Brush the top with butter and dust with Parmesan, place on prepared baking sheet, and cover while preparing the remaining pastries. Repeat until all the filling and phyllo strips are used up. Bake for 15 to 25 minutes until the triangles are crisp and golden. Serve hot, warm or cold.

Sean likes

Pittsburgh Magazine Best Restaurants Issue

2009-05-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

I just received my Pittsburgh Magazine's Best Restaurants Issue. This issue is both my favorite and most despised issue the magazine puts out. I love reading about the top 25 restaurants and planning which I will visit next. The readers choice, however, makes me angrier than Anthony Bourdain at a Bobby Flay restaurant.

Check out the reader's choice selections below. This is a sad day for anyone in Pittsburgh who enjoys good food. If this keeps up our city will be full of frat boy sushi and hush puppies. I can see it now, Sean staring into my eyes over a breakfast smile and a jaeger bomb.

Category 1ST PLACE
Best Restaurant- Nakama Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi Bar
American- Eat'n Park Restaurants
Bakery- Oakmont Bakery
Bargain- Eat'n Park Restaurants
Best View- LeMont
Breakfast- Eat'n Park Restaurants
BYOB Restaurant- La Tavola Italiana Restaurant & Pizzaria
Catering Services -big Catering
Child-Friendly- Eat'n Park Restaurants
Chinese- Sesame Inn
Continental- Eleven
Deli- Smallman Street Deli
Dessert- Gullifty's
Downtown Lunch Spot- Franktuary
For Visitors- Primanti Bros.
French- Le Pommier
German- Max's Allegheny Tavern
Hamburger -Tessaro's
Holiday Restaurant- Grand Concourse
Hotel Dining- Omni William Penn Hotel / The Terrace Room
Indian- Tamarind: Flavor of India
Irish- Claddagh Irish Pub
Italian Chain- Olive Garden
Italian Non-Chain- F. Tambellini Ristorante
Japanese- Nakama Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi Bar
Korean- Sushi Kim
Late-Night Student Fare- The Original Hot Dog Shop
Mediterranean- Casbah
Mexican- Mad Mex
Microbrewery- The Church Brew Works
Middle Eastern- Aladdin's Eatery
Most Authentic Pittsburgh- Primanti Bros.
Most Romantic- LeMont
Outdoor Dining -The Pines Tavern
Pan Asian / Fusion- Soba
Pizza Chain -Pizza Hut
Pizza Non-Chain- Mineo's Pizza House
Polish -Bloomfield Bridge Tavern
Post-Theater Dining -Six Penn Kitchen
Pre-Theater Dining -Six Penn Kitchen
Seafood -Red Lobster
Soup -Panera Bread
Special Event -LeMont
Sports Bar -Jerome Bettis' Grille 36
Steak- Ruth's Chris Steak House
Sunday Brunch- Grand Concourse
Sushi- Nakama Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi Bar
Tapas -Ibiza Tapas & Wine Bar
Thai- Bangkok Balcony
Trendy- Seviche
Vegetarian- The Quiet Storm Coffeehouse & Restaurant
Vietnamese- Tram's Kitchen
Wine List- Sonoma Grille

I feel like I need Amy Pohler and Seth Meyers here for a "Really!?!" segment.

Who are the people that take the time to vote in this poll and chose Red Lobster as best seafood? I went to Red Lobster about a year ago on one of those "let's go get stupid drinks and eat at a chain restaurant" expeditions. What, you don't go on those expeditions? Anyway, I was sick for a week. It was one of the absolute worst things I have ever put in my body.

I am withholding most of my Nakama commentary for an upcoming blog dedicated to the "restaurant." But if Red Lobster has the best seafood in this city than I guess, based on those standards, Nakama has sushi...

And what is this freak obsession with Eat N Park? It is a Denny's with cookies....I am all for the cheap eats but just because you can get a salad bar with your breakfast does not mean it should be voted the 2nd best restaurant in the city!

And McDonalds is voted as child friendly? Feeding your kids McDonalds is anything but child friendly. In some cases I would call it abuse.

Oh, they have salads there? I guess I was wrong. Take your kids to Mcdonalds and order them a salad, I dare you.

see complete listing here http://www.wqed.org/mag

New recipe week

2009-05-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

This week at work is slower than ever. With one boss in Germany and one in Dallas I don't even have to pretend to work.

Therefore I declare this week, new recipe week. Each day I will make something I have never tried before.

Mushroom and Goat Cheese Bechamel Pizzas
*new things- dried mushrooms, bechamel sauce

You would think I would have made a bechamel sauce in the past but this was my first attempt. These little pizzas were so good I can guarantee I will be making many more bechamel based things in the future. Expect these pizzas to be showing up at a dinner party soon!

INGREDIENTS
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
1 1/2 cups milk
2 ounces fresh goat cheese, thickly sliced
Freshly grated nutmeg
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 pound pizza dough
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for brushing
1 garlic clove, smashed
1 pound baby portabella mushrooms
1 pkg. dried assorted wild mushrooms
1 cup beef stock
1 teaspoon thyme leaves

1. Heat beef broth until almost boiling. Add dried mushrooms and soak for 30 minutes until reconstituted. Remove mushrooms and set aside. (save liquid when finished for a rick stock)

2.Preheat the oven to 500°. Preheat a pizza stone or generously oil a large baking sheet.

3. In a medium saucepan, melt the butter over moderate heat. Stir in the 3 tablespoons of flour until a paste forms. Gradually pour in the milk, whisking until smooth. Bring the béchamel sauce to a simmer over moderately high heat, whisking constantly, until thickened, about 4 minutes. Reduce the heat to low and cook, whisking often, until no floury taste remains, about 10 minutes. Remove from the heat and stir in the goat cheese until melted. Season the sauce with nutmeg, salt and pepper.

4.Cut the pizza dough into 4 pieces. On a lightly floured work surface, roll out each piece to a 6-inch round. Dust the rounds with flour and let rest until slightly puffed, about 15 minutes.

5. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, heat the 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Add the smashed garlic clove and cook over moderate heat until golden, about 2 minutes. Add the mushrooms, cover and cook, stirring occasionally, until tender and browned, about 15 minutes. Discard the garlic. Season the mushrooms with salt and pepper and stir in the thyme leaves.

6. Roll out one of the dough rounds to form a 9-inch round. Transfer the round to the peel and brush the edge of the dough with olive oil. Spread 1/3 cup of the béchamel over the dough and scatter one-fourth of the mushrooms on top.
Transfer the round to the pizza stone and bake for about 5 minutes, until the edges are crisp and the béchamel is bubbling.

7. Transfer the pizza to a work surface, cut into wedges and serve. Repeat with the remaining dough and toppings.

recipe adapted from Food & Wine Magazine

Breakfast in Bed.

2009-05-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

Ho Ho's

2009-05-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

My favorite coffee place, Big Dog Coffee, has amazing little snacks in the window. I tried one of their homemade Ho Ho's the other day and was inspired to make a version of my own. Everything started out okay, I baked the cake in a sheet, I whipped the center filling, I prepared everything to perfection. But as soon as the cake was frosted it all went downhill. Now I am left with something Sean has dubbed "poop loafs". Maybe these would be more appropriate for the "Steve Dump Bingo"* we are planning for later this summer.

The Theory was to make a thin chocolate cake, rolled into a little ho ho type log, filled with cream cheese frosting and covered in chocolate. But the cake is dry and tastes like crap. It also cracked when I tried to roll it. I rolled it in the wrong direction and the chocolate would not stick to the cake. This is how poop loafs are made. Well, this is one way poop loafs are made.

If you want to give it a try go for it. Hopefully yours will turn out better than mine.

*Think Cow Patty Bingo with a dog in your backyard* *
For those who don't know, Cow Patty Bingo is where you pick a spot in a field in which you believe a cow will take a shit. Whomever picks the correct square wins. It's very fancy and very cool.

The Great Asparagus Urine Experiment!

2009-05-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

As you probably already know, asparagus can have strange after-effects in the bathroom. I believe I am one of the most susceptible people to this urine odor phenomenon. You can smell my asparagus pee all through the house after I munch on some of these little green odor missiles. I could fumigate our second floor just from having a few spears in a salad. If you don't believe me you can ask Sean, he refuses to come near me after I eat it.

I have decided that my acute sensitivity to asparagus is a calling. I will, nay, I must, use my body in an experiment to find a cure. I will conduct a desperate search to find something that will neutralize the smell of asparagus pee. My body and the house will smell sort of like liquid vitamins and chicken noodle soup until I make my discovery.

The test will work like this, I eat asparagus then I eat/drink something that I think will reduce the odor in my pee. I will then rate the effect of each on this blog.

Control Group Findings.
Control meal- Asparagus in a salad with goat cheese, red onion, beets, cucumber balsamic vinaigrette
7:15- Consumed salad
8:45- Bathroom break #1, odor present not deadly
10:15- Bathroom break #2, odor pungent and lingering
1:10 am- bathroom break #3- odor slightly less pungent but still lingering
9:00 am- next morning bathroom trip- Odor still evident, less pungent but noticeably there

Week #1- Will Hard Alcohol reduce the effects?
Theory: Drinking liquor will dehydrate me and get all the odor out right away.
Meal- Salad with asparagus, goat cheese, red onion, tomato, cucumber, zucchini and balsamic vinaigrette
Neutralizer- 2 Whiskey Drinks.
8:20- Consumed Salad
9:13- Bathroom break #1- slight smell, I would compare this to the normal reaction a person may have to Asparagus
10:57- Bathroom Break #2- Very Pungent and Lingering. (Sean used the bathroom after me and yelled "This is gross; what the hell is wrong with you?")
1:00 am- Bathroom Break #3- Fading smell with staying power
9:00 am- morning bathroom trip- no scent
Conclusion: Drinking Whiskey forces most of the smell out in one pass but not enough to declare it a success.

If you have any ideas you want me to try go ahead and suggest them. If it won't kill me I will try it. My goal is to solve this age old pissing problem and share it with the world!

Indianish Food

2009-05-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I found myself with a couple of chicken breasts and no idea how to prepare them. I was in the mood for some spice but not the Frank's Red Hot kind... I decided to throw together things i had to try to come as close as possible to making an Indian Masala Dish... turns out, not too bad. I would definitely make some substitutions in the future to make the dish more successful but I was quite proud of what I could pull together with no prior indian cooking experience and no recipe to work from. To Sum it all up- I am fucking awesome !

2 chicken breasts
1 tbsp butter
1 large onion
2 cloves garlic
1 1/2 cup white wine
1/2 large can tomato puree (in the future I would use fire roasted tomatoes, about 12 oz or so...maybe more)
2 tbsp. cumin
2 tbsp coriander seeds
2 tbsp. black peppercorns
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper
1 cinnamon stick
a couple of whole cloves
tsp. nutmeg
a dash of ground ginger
1 tbsp. curry powder
heavy cream
1/4 bunch cilantro
oil, salt & pepper

1. Heat veg. oil in a large skillet over med-high heat. Season chicken with salt and pepper.
2. Brown chicken on all sides (my breasts were large so i cut them into pieces first..yea I will say it again...my breasts were large)
3. Move chicken to a plate, cover and set aside.
4. Toast all spicesexcept nutme, ginger and curry in another clean pan over high heat for about a minute, don't burn them!
5. Grind down all the spices into a nice powder
4. add butter to chicken pan along with finely chopped onion and garlic. Saute until soft.
5. Add about a cup and a half of white wine. Deglaze pan. Cook for a few minutes.
6. Add in tomato puree or crushed tomatoes whatever...
7. Add about 3/4 of the spice mix
8. Add chicken back in along with any juice on plate.
9. Simmer until chicken is cooked through.
10. Stir in a couple of splashed of heavy cream.
11. Add chopped cilantro and serve over rice.

*some of the measuements may be a bit off*
It should look something like this...

*sorry for the horrible pic, my camera battery died just as I was taking this*

ThisIsWhyYourFat

2009-05-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

My submission to this is why your fat....

Bay of Pigs Headwich (Fatheads Pittsburgh, PA)

roast pork, ham, swiss pickles, caribbean killer sauce, honey mustard..with chips

Vegan Chocolate Cake.

2009-04-30T10:48:00.001-07:00

Inspired by earth day articles touting the glory of going vegan I decided to make this delicious vegan chocolate cake. The recipe has been passed down to me from my mother in law. I considered keeping it a secret but this cake is too good not to share!

The cinnamon sugar on top creates a crust that accentuates the moist fluffy cake underneath.

Oven 350

2 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup cocoa
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup canola oil/ veg. oil
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups cold coffee
2 tablespoons vinegar
cinnamon sugar mix

In large bowl mix flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda and salt until well combined
Add oil. vinegar, vanilla and coffee and stir until combined
Pour into a 9x 13 glass baking dish and spread until even
sprinkle with 1/3 cup cinnamon sugar (1 tablespoon cinnamon added to 1/3 cup sugar)
Bake for 25- 30 minutes until toothpick comes out clean

Serve with strawberries and chocolate sauce or vanilla ice cream or just serve as is.

the breast cake in the world!

2009-04-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

In the last year I have found myself invited to two bachelor parties, I hope this is a growing trend because I had a blast at both. In an effort to get myself invited more often I have been arriving with erotic cakes. Nothing goes better with a night of debauchery on a bus than a red velvet titty cake!!

Stay tuned for more erotic cake creations!

True Love

2009-04-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

a love note from sean....

CONTEST ALERT!!!

2009-03-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

The First Ever Unexpected Housewife Contest!

Do you want to come for dinner with The Unexpected Housewife? Now is your chance. The lucky winner and a guest will be treated to a home cooked Housewife meal. After the meal the guest will be asked to review the dishes and I will post the review right here for you to read. How narcissistic can I get!

How to enter:

Leave a comment telling me about your favorite foods and a food you would like to try.

The lucky winner will be chosen at random (out of a hat) and will be invited over for Dinner.

Rules:

Entries received from 3-18-09 until 4-06-09 will be eligible. All entries must be original. Participants must be 21 or over and be legal resident of the United States. Transportation will be the responsibility of the winner. Overnight accommodations will be provided upon request.

By entering you are agreeing to allow your image to appear on the Unexpected Housewife blog. The winner will also be required to deliver a review of the meal within 48 hours of dining. No fat chicks please.

Winners will be announced on this blog on 4-07-09.

Prizes:

One grand Prize winner will receive a 3 course meal prepared by The Unexpected Housewife. Meal will include beverages. (Value $178.45) Overnight accommodations available at winners request. (Value $129.00). Doggie bag of any leftover food. (Value $17.95).

3 runner up winners will receive a very special Unexpected Housewife gift in the mail.

Picky Timmy

2009-03-18T07:14:00.001-07:00

One of the most difficult parts of being a good unexpected housewife is entertaining the in-laws. This task is made exceptionally hard if your father-in-law is the pickiest eater alive. We all know picky eaters, but Sean's Dad goes beyond anything I have experienced. He is a meat and potatoes kind of guy, as in he will only eat meat and potatoes with a side of corn. Keep in mind he will not eat all meat. He will consume beef and chicken. (NOTE: One treads on shaky ground putting anything besides orange season salt on the chicken)

You may think this is no big deal and that there are plenty of options still available for a nice dinner, but you would be wrong. You don't know the rules. The rules are complicated and binding. They have secret amendments and can be changed at any time, sort of like The Patriot Act. Here are the rules that I can identify:

1. NO GREEN - this includes any vegetable as well as herbs or spices that are not masked.

2. NO VEGETABLES- corn is the only veggie allowed. Do not garnish with one, do not stuff with one. The rule is no veggies ever.

3. NO SAUCE- The irrational fear of vegetables has lead to a ban on sauce because of the chance that they could be hidden within. One acceptation to this rule is pasta sauce, which he will eat on chicken. This leads us to rule #4

4. NO PASTA- Though it is his wife's favorite food, the man will not touch a noodle.

These rules make it difficult to have them over for dinner unless we're having steak or burgers and fries. I have tried to venture outside the box on occasion and end up feeling guilty because he leaves hungry.
I thought I was within the rules when I invited them over for corned beef and cabbage. I knew the cabbage was out but I also made potatoes so there should be more than enough to fill his picky belly. It was over as soon as we sat down. He grabbed for the potatoes and loaded his plate. I passed him the corned beef that I had brined for several days and lovingly cooked for hours. He ignored it. IT IS BEEF! I followed the rules. Corned Beef!! The name might lead one to believe that it is corn and beef, which would comprise 66% of the food that he will eat. He took a slice or two after his wife pointed out that he only had potatoes on his plate. He tried it and said "oh, this isn't too bad".

When I was cleaning the plates after they left I found shredded beef hidden under the potatoes. And to think, I let him eat dessert.

(not my actual corned beef. I was too nervous and flustered to remember to take a picture but this is close to what it looked like...)

Non-Approved Corned Beef and Cabbage

Ingredients:

For the Brine

1 cup kosher salt

1 cup brown sugar

1 1/2 tablespoons whole coriander

1 1/2 tablespoons whole mustard seeds

1 1/2 tablespoons peppercorns

1 teaspoon all spice

4 sprigs oregano

4 sprigs thyme

2 bay leaves

3 lb. brisket

1. Mix all ingredients above (except brisket) in a large bowl or pot

2. Coat Brisket with spice mix and add to large bowl

3. Add water to cover brisket add a plate on top if you need to weigh it down

4. take an egg and see if it floats in the brine...if not add more salt until it does.

5. cover and refrigerate for 2- 10 days...I did 5.

Step 2 Ingredients

3 tbsp. olive oil

6 carrots chopped

1 head of celery (including leaves) chopped

1 head of garlic cut in half to expose cloves

handful of oregano (fresh is you got it)

2 bay leaves

1 head of cabbage cut into 6 pieces

6. Heat oven to 300 degrees

7. Heat a large oven proof pot or dutch over (hahahah) over medium high heat and add olive oil

8. Throw in onion, carrots, celery, oregano and bay leaves and cook abotu 10 minutes

9. Remove the meat from the brine and rinse well

10. Lay meet on top of veggies and add water just to cover the meat

11. Boil and skim any foam

12. reduce to a simmer, cover and cook for 15 minutes

13. Add the cabbage and throw in the oven for 3 hours.

14. Remove the meat and cover with foil for 20 minutes. Then remove fat, slice against the grain and throw it on a plate with some cabbage and potatoes (cooked during that 3 hour window).

15. Serve to people who are not babies.

Irish Soda Bread

2009-03-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, my day seems to be filled with sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. Unfortunately, it has not been ringing much since January so it is possible this cushy job may be in danger. I need to take full advantage of it while I can. So today, in one more nod to St. Patrick I whipped up some Irish Soda Bread. This bread is so easy and delicious!

Ingredients

5 cups all purpose flour

3/4 cup sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 stick unsalted butter

3 tablespoons caraway seeds

2 1/2 cups buttermilk

1 large egg beaten

(2 cups raisins optional)

Directions:

Oven at 350

1. Stir together flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and baking soda

2. cut butter into small cubes and cut into flour mixture until grainy

3. Stir in seeds and raisins if using

4. Add buttermilk and egg to flour mix and stir until well moistened.

5. Shape into 2 loaves and place in well buttered pans (I used one pan and on baking sheet to try a round loaf..)

6. Bake for an hour, cool in pans for 5 min then move to rack

7. Eat lots of this to soak up all the booze you will be drinking.

Saint Patricks Day

2009-03-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

Saint Patrick's Day is upon us once again. Tomorrow, normally respectable human beings will set their alarm clocks to make sure they wake up early enough on Saturday to be piss-your-green-pants drunk before the parade. These people will flood Market Square adorned with plastic leprechaun hats and carrying yards of green Miller Light. The discussion will begin with surprise and mirth at how early they are drinking and slowly meld into the rich topic of how long they've been drinking. Eventually they will fall into the Sisyphean pattern of waiting in line for beer, carrying your beer to the bathroom line and then directly back to the beer line. After this pattern is identified they will retreat to a nearby bar or Station Square. There, they will slowly sip from the plastic yard cup that has been cutting the edges of their lips all day. Eventually defeat will be admitted and the Irish mob will head home for a "nap" only to wake up at 11pm wondering if calling it a night will mean they are pussies.

So, what time are we meeting, pussies?

I'll bring the cookies.

Soft Shamrock Sugar Cookies

2/3 cup butter flavored shortening

2/3 cup unsalted butter

1 1/2 cup white sugar

2 eggs

2 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

3 1/2 cup all purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

granulated sugar/ icing for decoration

1. preheat oven to 350 degrees

2. Cream together butter, shortening and sugar. Mix in eggs and vanilla. Combine flour, baking powder and salt. Stir into creamed mixture until dough comes together.

3. Put half the dough in the refrigerator. Using the other half roll into buckeye size balls and press into sugar. Place on cookie sheet with parchment or silpat about 2 inches apart.

4. bake for 10 to 12 minutes, cool on wire racks.

5. Remove dough from fridge and roll out. Cut shapes and place on baking sheet.

6. bake for 10-12 minutes (timing will vary based on shape and size)

7. cool on wire racks. ice when cool.

HardDrive Failure

2009-03-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

I know the blogs have been few and far between lately. My harddrive failed on my computer thus forcing me to share a laptop with Sean for a week. Thankfully I got it back late last night, just before we filed the divorce papers.

So here we go...back at it..

Sweet Potato Pi

2009-03-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

How Much Do You Love Your Dog?

2009-03-02T06:46:00.000-08:00

I attended the Detroit Kennel Club dog show this weekend and checked out some of the on-site vendors. By far, the most amazing one was Ash Embedded Memorials (www.gretchenscreations.com).

Yes, you read it right. She will take your pet's ashes and make a portrait of said pet with them. This loon will spend days, if not weeks and months, mixing your dog's remains into paint and smearing it across canvass. You will then display this artwork in your home, perhaps on the mantel, and point it out to house guests. This will show them that you loved your dog more than they love theirs.

Gretchen's Creations LLC

"A Touching Way To Remember"

What your furry companion leaves behind is a legacy of unconditional love. Deciding how to pay tribute to your pet's life can be overwhelming. We offer an unmatched memorial that combines the respectable option of an urn with the accentuated beauty of an original, distinguished plaster portrait. Once your photograph and style of portrait has been chosen, Gretchen will consult with you and explain the dignified process of acquiring the ashes for the memorial portrait. Your pet's ashes are mixed into the plaster allowing the final resting place to be as unique as the love you shared.

(this dog is dead)

Candle Addicts Anonymous

2009-02-24T13:08:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I heard a comedian quip, "Candles are to old ladies what cats once were." This weekend I saw the dark truth behind the joke. I ventured into housewife territory like never before and attended a candle party.

I knew I was in for it when the perky, over-accessorized-for-a-Sunday-afternoon woman asked "Is there anyone who has never been to a candle party before?" I raised my hand expecting to be one among many, but no, I was the sole hand-raiser. I was terrified and rightfully so.

When, purely out of guilt, I agreed to attend this candle party I expected mimosas, bloody marys and snacks while we sat around and talked about how funny it was that we were at a candle party. Instead we had non-alcoholic fruit punch, diet coke and chick

en salad with grapes in it (my hatred for fruit in my chicken salad will be discussed at another time).

The candle lady stood in front of her shrine like she was the Patron Saint of Flowery Smelling Shit. Her candles filled the air with artificial scents like Chocolate Coconut Cascade and Lilac Spa Fantasy. She began by giving us raffle tickets and asking us to please, say your name, how you know the hostess and why you think I have been doing this for 17 years.

Why I think you've been doing this for 17 years? OH MY GOD! I almost crapped my pants.

This woman has been selling candles for 17 years and she wants me to tell her why! It's like she stood up in front of the room and said, "Allrighty, let's start this party off by ragging on me. " My head swirled with reasons. Here are just a few:

1. You are very lonely and use these "parties" as a way to make friends.

2. You are an Andy Kaufman-like comedian who is living your life in this ridiculous fashion to see how people react to you.

3. You are an escaped mental patient and we are all going to be killed and enrobed in french vanilla wax.

I'm glad I didn't say any of these because, believe it or not, this wasn't performance art. She just loves her some fucking candles. And she explained how she is able to bring in $5000 a month with the gig. She also told us how we could enjoy such a lifestyle, if only we decided to join her little club. The other women in the room seemed oblivious to the pyramid scheme pitch. Do they seriously believe that this woman makes $5000 a month selling wax to housewives? Was I missing something here?

I started to notice that the candle lady talked about her wares as if they were artwork. "This is a real conversation piece," she would say, or, "People see this in a house and think, 'Wow, there must be an interesting story behind that."

Candles just don't do this for me. I will never stand around and discuss the merit of a candle. What's interesting about telling someone you bought a candle in someone else's living room? "Hey, where did you get that candle?"
"Oh, I got that at a candle party."
"Huh."
That's the conversation.

The candle lady then went on to tell everyone about her addiction to candles. That morning at church, she told us, her priest asked them to pray for people with addictions. She, of course, thought he was talking about her and her candle addiction. As if her obsession was on par with alcoholism or drug addiction. She admitted to having panic attacks if there were not enough candles in the room. I was waiting for Tyler Durden to burst through the wall and throw lye on her face. I completely lost it. This was the most ridiculous thing I had been a part of in quite some time. The other women were eating it up and agreeing with her desire to own all the candles. All the candles in the whole world.

I had just regained my composure when she pulled out a bag full of pennies. Everyone stepped up and took one and each time the candle lady said "Penny for your thoughts" in pretty much the same manner a priest says "Body of Christ." We were supposed to tell her which candle we liked best and why. I had to manufacture an emotion about a candle. Thank god I spent those years doing improv!

Once we all had our pennies we then used them to purchase a votive for a penny. What a great deal! The only catch is, on the bottom of the votive is a piece of paper. On the paper it says to pick a prize or Fast $50. If you choose Fast $50 you "get to" book a show with her on the spot. I prayed that the four people who landedFast $50s before me had eliminated them all. I watched as my friend Tina, the only other person disturbed by the absurdity, sat sweating, hoping she would get the prize and not the booking. But Tina did pick the Fast $50 and suddenly it was my turn. I approached the votives like a soldier who's entire platoon has been shot down but still storms the beach. Thanks to some divine intervention I was the only person to pick a prize.

I took my shitty candle and didn't have to talk to the ringleader of this circus of insanity. Tina, on the other hand, was forced into picking a date and promising this sad woman that she would, indeed, invite ten of her friends over to purchase candles.

In the end I placed my order, trying desperately to get away with a cheap holder out of the magazine. I had done my part, spent $28 dollars and could get the hell out. I handed in my order and breathed a sigh of relief. It was all over. Or so I thought. The Candle lady called me over and told me that one of the other guests did not use the 50% off they qualified for so I could use it. It's just that, and her hands were really tied on this one, I had to spend at least 40 dollars. I thought, okay, I'll get to $40. Half off will be $20 so in the end I get more stuff for less. Apparently I do not speak the candle language. I added the products she recommended which brought me to $45 then she took off the discount but I still owed $40. WTF? It turns out the half off applies to one candle which was $10. I couldn't take it anymore. I said 'fine' and walked away. Tina grabbed me and we made our escape.

Though I am embracing this housewife lifestyle, I am not embracing these parties anymore. Please do not invite me because I will not come. Do not guilt me because I will feel no guilt.

The afternoon of February 22nd was a dark day and, in the words of Rudy Guillani, I will never forget.

Bacon Night

2009-02-19T06:49:00.000-08:00

When I first heard the words "bacon night" I didn't know how to feel. On one hand, free bacon at a bar sounds gross. That's pretty clear. I think of drunk guys who haven't washed their hands reaching for bacon out of a communal pot licking the grease from their fingers and going back in again. I think of an already overweight Pittsburgh population cracking one more notch in the belt. I think of Orson, Babe and Porky huddled together in the back kitchen, Porky tearfully muttering, "That's all folks."

On the other hand....I freaking love bacon! It is possible that knowing I shouldn't be eating this delicious fatty pork adds to the allure...it is like smoking a cigarette or having sex outdoors. It's dangerous, it's greasy, it is awesome. Bacon is one of those foods that have a hold on my heart. The idea of a cold beer and a free strip of bacon is exactly what you need on a Tuesday night.

Enter Harris Grill, where Tuesday night is bacon night. Free bacon at the bar. Baskets to your table for just a dollar. And the whole place smells with the perfect aroma of bacon, not too strong but enough to make you salivate. The bacon on the bar sat in little baskets and did not in any way appear gross. Strips of bacon are much more grabbable than nuts or popcorn. The place was crowded for a cold Tuesday night, humble pilgrims come to kneel before the other white god. I heard glasses clink with the toast "to Bacon" and orders being shouted for "more bacon please". I wondered if this was what heaven would be like.

In the end we got a table and some apps.which were all tremendous, especially the coconut curry mussels. I noticed the menu had "chicken fried bacon." This is something I saw once on TV from a place down south, something I had already started planning the road trip to. But now it looks like I can sample this gluttonous absurdity in my own back yard! I could not order it tonight, though. That, my friends, is the holy grail of bacon. Dipped, deep fried fat. Oh my! That needs to be an event and I need a full physical before I attempt to eat it. Watch your phones people, I may just be calling on you to join me at a Tuesday night, bacon night, sometime soon.

scone!!!

2009-02-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

I've never really liked scones. They remind me of chain coffee shops with stale displays behind their counter. They're what you get at Starbucks when they're out of brownies. I had a low opinion indeed until my friend Brian whipped up at batch one crisp fall morning. He opened my mind to them with his delicious recipe. I thought, if a guy who puts ketchup on pasta can make scones that taste this good, I may need to look again at this misjudged morning pastry. Since then I have been wanting to whip up a batch myself. Six months later- here we go.

I used a recipe from Tyler Florence on the food network site. I chose this one specifically because I had all the ingredients on hand this morning. It was a good move. These scones are fluffy. Light and sweet. I added 1 tsp. vanilla to the recipe and I though I can't really taste it I have to think it is doing something good in there.

Orange Glazed Blueberry Scones
Recipe courtesy Tyler Florence

Prep Time:10 minInactive Prep Time: hr minCook Time:50 min
Level:
Intermediate
Serves:
6 to 12 scones
Ingredients
2 cups unbleached flour, plus more for rolling berries
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup unsalted butter, chilled and cut in chunks
3/4 cup buttermilk or cream
1 egg
1 pint fresh blueberries
Directions
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

In a large bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, salt and sugar; mix thoroughly. Cut in butter using 2
forks or a pastry blender. The butter pieces should be coated with flour and resemble crumbs.

In another bowl, mix buttermilk and egg together, and then add to the flour mixture. Mix just to incorporate,
do no overwork the dough. Roll blueberries in flour to coat, this will help prevent the fruit from sinking to the bottom of the scone
when baked. Fold the blueberries into batter, being careful not to bruise. Drop large tablespoons of batter on
an ungreased cookie sheet.

Bake for 15 to 20 minutes until brown. Cool before applying orange glaze.
Ingredients
Orange
Glaze:
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 cups powdered sugar, sifted
2 oranges, juiced and zested
Directions
To prepare Orange Glaze: combine butter, sugar,
orange zest, and juice over a double boiler. Cook until butter and sugar are melted and mixture has thickened.
Remove from heat and beat until smooth and slightly cool. Drizzle or brush on top of scones and let glaze get
hazy and hardened.

craft of the day.

2009-02-16T08:41:00.000-08:00

Apparently this past weekend i took some craft crack. I have a new found energy and I am ready to let it explode in your face.

First Stop-exploding brick book ends.

For when you need to hold up books... or other objects similar to books.
* grab some bricks from the pile in your backyard. If you do not have a pile of bricks in your back yard, ask a neighbor.
* wrap bricks in foil or saran wrap to keep all the bugs that are living inside trapped there.

* wrap bricks in decorative wall paper or wrapping paper that has been sitting in your closet waiting to be used for some time.

* put on shelf with books in between.

*these bookends are exploding only because according to nick they were made using exploding bricks, opposed to the bricks treated to not explode.

Goodbye Margo Tenenbaum.

2009-02-15T10:48:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I returned from a business trip to LA but my bags decided to stay a few more days. This is the fifth time I've left an airport without my luggage, so I was used to it, but my winter coat was in my bag and I really needed that coat. I know I shouldn't have taken it. It was over seventy degrees the whole time I was there. But I didn't mean to. My plans were to leave it in the car when Sean dropped me off except it was so damn cold that my brain froze solid in my head. I looked like an Eskimo with dorky glasses hailing cabs in my ice fishing gear. So I lugged it around the whole time I was there and then didn't have it when I flew back to 10 degree weather. This was even a bigger problem because we were going to attend the inauguration of the first black president the following day. I had no coat to wear to DC and according to weather.com I would be freezing my ass off while shouting "O Baum Ah."
I ventured to the attic and found a space-saver bag full of old coats. My choices ranged from a Worldwide Pants Letter Jacket (with leather sleeves and all) to a black suede trench coat that I somehow thought was cool at one point in my life. I struggled and eventually landed on a costume from Halloween past.

Oh, Margot Tenenbaum, I have missed you. In my imagination this coat would be fine to wear for a weekend. It may actually look cool if I wore it right. This was actually not true. Not true at all. The moment I stepped outside I became instantly aware of how stupid I looked. I suddenly flashed back to junior high when I wore a pink sports bra and green leggings in my performance of "part of that world" from the Little Mermaid in the junior high talent show. I flashed to the time I wore a costume of an angel to kindergarten on All Saint's Day because I mistakenly thought we were supposed to. Suddenly the generic skidz I wore in 6th grade didn't seem all that bad. At least I was young enough during those instances to claim I didn't know better. But I am 29 years old. I've been around the block- I should have known better.
I looked like a fool. We went for brunch and I think I actually heard people laughing at me. It really was that bad. I have gained some Pittsburgh pounds since moving to the city where french fries are automatically put on everything from sandwiches to salads. The coat would not button, the shoulders were too snug and walking around with the coat open gave me something of a pimp strut and made me so cold I was turning a pale purple. It was not a good look.

I gave up on the coat and borrowed a friend's for the weekend realizing that I had to put the days of the Margot Tenenbaum coat behind me forever.
When I returned home Steve H. was all too excited to snuggle with the faux fur atrocity. I decided then and there, it would be his. Goodbye Margot Tenenbaum, it was nice knowing you. I will miss your dark eyes and your polo dress. I will miss your brooding attitude, your wooden finger, and the accessory of a cigarette. I just hope Steve loves you as much as I once did.

Instructions for making a dog bed out of an old faux Fur coat.
1. Admit you can not wear coat
2. Remove shoulders from coat.
3. stuff coat with 2 cheap pillows. (much cheaper than trying to fill it with that cotton fiber fill crap)
4. Use fabric glue to hem sides.
5. give to dog.

Happy Valentines Day?

2009-02-13T15:25:00.001-08:00

I am not a Valentine's Day person. I neither love nor hate the holiday. It's just that I'm a Halloween and 4th of July kind of girl. Those holidays make sense to me. One lets you dress up in costume and eat a bunch of candy and the other calls for sitting outside all day drinking and eating hamburgers.
Valentine's Day ranks up there with New Year's Eve on overrated holidays that I feel indifferent toward. It creates a self-imposed pressure that results in spending a lot of money in the hopes of getting laid. I see girls overdressed meeting up with guys in t-shirts and dirty jeans. I see men crowded around a wilted flower display in Rite-aid looking to pick up what they need to keep that special lady in their life from crying.
I find it fascinating that people can actually hate Valentine's Day too. I've worked in offices where V-Day is an annual bitch-fest about how no one understands them, no one will ever love them, they didn't want a date anyway 'cause this day is just a scam for Godiva to sell chocolates. These complainers put as much effort into the day as those who base their worth on the size of a heart-shaped box they receive from some duesh they went out with twice. To ride so much on a holiday like this is beyond my romantically deprived mind.
I neither condemn or applaud Valentine's Day. But I do find some value in it because it inspired me to make some mini-cakes that turned out to be quite possibly the best dessert ever produced in my kitchen. They are tiny little bites of lust.

Lust Bites
Disclaimer: Okay fine, i used a boxed mix and pre-made frosting. Get over it already! Who are you to judge!

Red Velvet cake mix
1 can premium cream cheese frosting
semi sweet chocolate chips
milk chocolate chips
white chocolate chips

1. Bake the cake according to the directions (I always use buttermilk in place of water and add a little vanilla)
2. After cake is cool crumble into a large bowl and add frosting
3. mix cake and frosting until well combined
4. Roll into balls or form squares
5. chill your balls for a a few hours
6. Melt semi sweet or milk chocolate in double boiler
7. dip your balls in it (I used an offset spatula to smooth out the top and make sure all sides were covered)
8. let chocolate harden
9. melt white chocolate and use to decorate

*idea generated from http://bakerella.blogspot.com/*

Nakama

2009-02-10T09:24:00.001-08:00

Dear Pittsburgh,
Please stop making yourself look stupid by acting like the Sushi at Nakama is edible.

Thanks.

It's back on!

2009-02-10T08:23:00.000-08:00

The end of the year called for me to make up all the work I pushed away throughout the year. I will not go into detail here out of fear someone who signs my paycheck will stumble upon this and figure out my secret.....

But, I am caught up now which means more blogs are coming your way. Stay tuned.

2009-02-10T08:14:00.000-08:00

Gingerbread House

2008-12-02T08:27:00.001-08:00

Christmas is the season for ridiculous decor (putting a tree inside your house) and ridiculous food .
I am combining the two to create a Holiday Icon- The gingerbread house. This began as a very exciting prospect. Slap some cookies together and then go to town decorating....well, let me crush your candy canes- it is not that easy.

After looking online I realized that the only way to do this was to create a model. Ok, no big deal, this is why we store 60 lbs. of cardboard in the basement. I grabbed a couple of pizza boxes and beer cases and started going to town. My dreams were big. Maybe a replica of the Hayes Presidential Museum or the MOMA....At the very least a 2 story plantation house. I started cutting and taping together...

This is where I gave up. I'm sure I could have spent a couple of days doing this and making it something really special but it is hard to avoid the excitement of building it out of actual cookie and remain patient enough to perfect the angles of the chimney...

Now it was time for baking. I made a couple batches of gingerbread and threw them in the refrigerator. A few hours later it was time to roll, literally.
That damn dough was so stiff I actually bruised my palms. How in the hell can you bruise your palms!!!
After rolling it out you place the cardboard patterns on top and cut them out with a pizza cutter. 15 minutes later you have your building materials.

I whipped up some royal icing and started "glueing" my house together. Everything was going perfectly until I attempted to place the rooftops. I left the room for a second and came back to find the entire house fallen and one of my rooftops shattered!

I cried a little but eventually baked the rooftops a little thicker, waited longer for the icing to dry and finally found success. I am awesome!

now on to decorating...

Halloween Recipes

2008-11-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

This years halloween buffet had some great successes and some absolute failures. Enjoy.

Goblin Eyes

This simple treat is one of the most disturbing. Simply buy a can of lychee fruit in syrup. Fill pit hole in each fruit with some raspberry jam and then place blueberry in the hole for a pupil.

Brittle Bones

INGREDIENTS:
2/3 cups sugar
pinch of salt
3 egg whites (at room temp)
large pinch of cream of tartar
1/2teaspoon of vanilla extract

preheat oven to 200

Beat egg white with cream of tartar in a mixer until soft peaks form
add sugar & salt slowly beating until stiff peaks form and meringue is shiny
add vanilla and beat just until blended
fill a pastry bad or sandwich bag with the tip cut off
form bones on baking sheets lined with parchment paper
bake for about an hour and then turn off the heat and leave the bones int he over for a few hours until they are very hard.
I stored mine in tupperware for about 5 days. I think you can keep them for at least a week in an airtight container.
Next year I think I am going to sandwich them together and fill them with a marrow like substance.

Witch Fingers

Ingredients:
1 cup Butter, softened
1 cup Icing sugar (powdered sugar)
1 Egg
1 tsp Almond extract
1 tsp Vanilla
2 2/3 cups Flour
1 tsp Baking powder
1 tsp Salt
3/4 cup Almonds, whole blanched

beat together butter, sugar, egg, almond extract and vanilla. Beat in flour, baking powder, and salt. Refrigerate dough for about a half hour so it is not melty when you try to form the fingers.
Use about a teaspoon of dough for each finger...This is all about trial and error. Form what you think looks like a finger. Make a couple of knuckles. Press the almond onto the top to make the fingernail. Then use a small knife to make slits in the knuckles to add detail.
Bake at 325 for 20 minutes.
You can add blood or dirt if you want but after making about 5 dozen fingers I was done.

baked maggot cocoon

This is just baked Brie. I cut a large round into 3 parts and wrapped each in puff pastry. Use the scraps to make decorations ont he top. Brush with an egg wash and bake at 350 for about a half hour.

Brain...

In March I ordered a brain mold that was on sale. I forgot that I had it until about a day before the party. I went back and forth on what to put in it and finally decided on a shrimp paste because it would actually look like brain matter. It was gross!! I don't mean it looked gross I mean it tasted absolutely disgusting! No one ate it, which sucks because the shrimp were the most expensive part of the halloween buffet but I can not blame anyone. It was truly horrible. Next year, cheese ball.

Vampire Repellant

Roast some garlic and serve with crusty bread to keep away the bloodsuckers.

Bat Wings

you would think chicken wings would not be a good party food but these went fast. Serve them with your favorite hot sauce for dipping to cut back on the mess. Make sure you have lots of napkins.

Spider Cider

There is not much of a recipe for Spider cider... it changes each year depending on what liquor I have sitting around. The key is to use spiced rum as the main liquor. Mix about 3 parts cider to 1 part liquor of choice. Throw in some cloves, cinnamon sticks and star anise. Add spiders to the batch and serve.
As the night goes on feel free to mix it up. I think at the end of the night we had gin, vodka and whiskey in this...

Next year will have an even more bountiful display as I am beginning my planning now!

Halloween!!

2008-11-03T18:46:00.000-08:00

Like many people who refuse to act their age, I am obsessed with Halloween. It enters my thoughts sometime in July and steadily takes over for all of October. This year my thoughts were shared with this election but I was able to get it together and get my Halloween on.
Halloween Decor can be cheesy or creepy and in this house we like to lean towards creepy. I guess leaning is an understatement. Most serial killers would feel at home in our house. If you only knew Sean and I through our Halloween parties you would fear for your life and the mental stability of our friends. Here are some examples of this years decor.... enjoy.

Conclusion of the Quest

2008-11-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

Upon arriving in New Orleans I met my group at Daisy Dukes, a cafe near our hotel, for some Gumbo. Little did I know that that was the last authentic New Orleans food I would have for quite some time.
After eating middle of the road gumbo we headed to the Voodoo Fest venue and set up camp for the weekend. The Fuse dome would be my home for 14 hours a day for the next 4 days.
I scoured the festival food for a muffaletta thinking I could at least get a low rent version while stuck there each day...no luck.
Every night after leaving, my co-worker Angie and I would search for any place still selling Muffalettas at midnight. This proved to be much harder than we imagined as finding any food in this town after midnight was a task. The only hope we had were post midnight runs to Burbon street to watch groups of 21-yea-old girls make out, flash their boobs and then hurl bright red hurricane puke into ever corner of Pat O'Brians. After not eating all day and spending 14 hours working this was not the scene I was looking for. It got so bad that we actually walked into a 24 hour Arby's next to our hotel because the hunger pains were preventing us from walking any further. As we looked upon the shaved pressed meat sandwiches we both looked at each other and ran out faster than you could say "show your tits!"
With no chance of finding the Muffaletta, we aimlesslly walked until coming upon Cafe Du Monde. Their famous bignettes would have to do. A fried ball of dough mounded with powdered sugar. When I say mounded I really mean it. These pastries had enough sugar to throw you into a diabetic coma on the spot. These were good but the magic was lost on our defeated minds and bodies. We sat in bed that night wired on sugar and looking like we had engaged in a good old fashioned baby powder fight.

Eventually we reached Sunday with no sign of a Muffaletta anywhere. Maybe it was all a dream, Italian meat fairies dancing in our heads. Maybe there was a vast conspiracy to hide them from me. Maybe it was a sign of something bigger, something I could not understand nor would want to... I decided that one Muffaletta would have to do. I had a free day on Monday and would get up early, see the city, find my Muffaletta and go home happy. This was the plan. This would work. Glory would be mine.
As I loaded the conversion van with equipment Sunday night, the thought a full day to find the Muffaletta raced through my mind. As I was dreaming of the olive salad and packing a road case into the van I slipped...my pants got caught on the door of the van... I fell out of the van landing on my back while my foot remained stuck....with a violent swing my foot snapped back and smashed on the bumper. I laid there stunned and in pain until Angie ripped my pants to free me. OUCH!
I stood up and instantly knew it... "I just broke my fucking foot!" Seriously. This is not happening to me. I have one day in this swamp and I needed to get out and enjoy it with my Muffaletta. What has poor Jenny done to deserve this?

I spent the night in the hotel feeling destroyed and icing my foot. Maybe I would be able to walk...maybe I wasn't really hurt...maybe I should find religion and pray.... there was nothing I could tell myself to make this better. I still ordered a wake up call for 9am in the hopes I would be better.
Well, I wasn't better but I did decided- who cares, I work from home. I can easily do more damage but I don't really need to get around... So I got up and left, limping like Kevin Spacey in the Usual Suspects. People stared but I didn't care. I would walk to Central Grocery, get my Muffaletta and then go back and ice my foot until the pain numbed.
As I was a block away I began to salivate. I couldn't believe with all the hurdles I was finally going to get my Muffaletta, just hours before leaving New Orleans. Soon I would be sitting at a small table by myself, enjoying this Muffaletta in solitude. A perfect ending!

CLOSED

Central grocery is closed on Monday. I sat on the curb in front of the store, foot throbbing in pain holding back tears. I could not believe this. I stared quietly as others approached the store to see it closed but wanted to yell, "You do not deserve to be angry! I have been trying to get here for days. I have a broken foot and a righteous heart!"
In my angry meditation something sparked in my mind. I remember reading an article about a place near central grocery that had perhaps a better Muffaletta..
At this time Angie showed up to help me get home. I pleaded with her to help me find anywhere that sold a Muffaletta. She casually says, "This place has one." Without realizing it we were sitting right in front of Franks, a small restaurant with a history of great Muffalettas. This is the place that I read about. I quickly sat down ordered my Muffaletta and sat waiting quietly to finish this day! Finally, I was getting my prize.

It was just okay.

The Quest for the Muffaletta

2008-10-26T08:44:00.001-07:00

Today I am headed on a last minute business trip to New Orleans and I couldn’t be more excited. Well, it would be much better if I were going for vacation and able to take my husband instead of missing his
birthday to spend time with my weirdo company. I am sitting in the Atlanta airport right now waiting for my connections and I think it's the perfect time to declare my quest.

New Orleans- The Quest for the Muffaletta

New Orleans is a mecca for great food! Though I am excited for jambalaya, gator meat, crawfish and bigniettes, there is one food that has been on my mind for years. The Muffaletta!

As a sandwich lover this has been a dream of mine for some time. The Muffaletta is simply a round loaf filled with Sicilian meats and cheeses and topped with an olive salad. There is no reasonable explanation for my fascination, but it resides in my core. Right next to where my soul should be.

The combination of history and rareness has peaked my curiosity. Outside of New Orleans these sandwiches are nearly impossible to find. So, I have 4 days to eat as many Muffalettas as possible. Normally this would be easy but as I will be working 14-hour days we will see….

Fart Salad

2008-10-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

You may think something called fart salad would be a novelty or some kind of weird food that tastes like farts. But you'd be wrong. Fart salad is perhaps one of my most versatile dishes. It is a simple bean salad that can be served with any meal or as a snack. Whenever I have this salad it is pretty much all I eat for two days until it's gone. And it couldn't be easier to make.

So you may be asking, why is it called fart salad? Well, we all know beans are the magical fruit with the tooting and such. For some reason I find this combination of beans, peas and corn just takes it to a whole new level. I have a fridge full of fart salad right now and since I started writing this blog I've farted four times. And these are not little, quiet farts. They are loud and explosive. On it's own, it won't make smelly farts, but this guarantee doesn't stand if you consume other foods with it. It takes about six hours for the farts to really reach their peak and if you continue to eat the salad you will have a steady stream throughout the day and night.

Just think of the uses for this! You could add a little extra to your Walter the Farting Dog Halloween costume, impress your friends with a fart signaled power hour, or simply get a seat to yourself on the bus. All I ask is that you please use this recipe responsibly. Oh, and it tastes really good too.

RECIPE
FART SALAD
1 lb bag frozen peas
2 cans whole kernel corn
1 can chick peas (garbanzo beans)
1 can black beans
1/4 cup minced red onion
salt & pepper

balsamic vinaigrette
2 cloves garlic chopped
handful of basil leaves
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
about 1 cup olive oil (more or less depending on taste)
salt & pepper

1. Dump peas and minced red onion in a large bowl
2. Drain and rinse beans and corn and add to bowl
3. In a blender or food processor blend garlic, basil and vinegar
4. Slowly drizzle in olive oil until you get the flavor and consistency you want. The thicker the better for this salad (that means more oil)
5. pour dressing over beans and mix
6. salt and pepper to taste
7. eat and fart.

Keep It Simple

2008-10-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

Turkey Burgers

In my quest for the perfect turkey burger I decided to play around last night. Turkey burgers are often too dry so I attempt to improve them with whatever I have on hand. Last night’s attempt will possibly go down as the most sorry and sad attempt to date.

I wanted to class them up. I bought some nice rolls from the bakery and sautéed some onions and mushrooms for toppings. Everything was looking good until I started to make the actual turkey burgers.

I began with 1.5 lb of ground organic turkey. I have tons of basil from my garden so I chopped up a handful of leaves and threw them in. I also had some left over roasted garlic in the fridge and figured it couldn't hurt. So that made its way in too. While grabbing the garlic I saw half a shallot that was going to be bad in a day. I minced that up. I still hadn’t addressed my dryness problem so I finely chopped some mushrooms and in they went. One egg as a binding agent. Salt and pepper.

As I was making the burgers I found them entirely too wet (from the egg). I searched for cracker meal or bread crumbs to help. I knew I had some but I couldn’t find it. I looked everywhere I could think they might be. No luck. I did find some tortilla chips. Could tortilla chips work with my Italian flavors? Why not? I crushed them up and threw them in. This was the downfall of the burgers.

I toasted the buns, threw on some onions and mushrooms, a little mayo....

NOPE. This did not work! I knew it was bad when Sean took his first bite and said, "this is 'different'". This was possibly the second worst meal I have made this year, after the italian/thai fiasco a few months ago. But I don't discuss that.

My conclusion is that when it comes to any kind of burger, be it beef, bison or turkey, it is best to keep it simple. Add a good amount of salt and pepper and don't overcook. You will be much better off than adding everything you have laying around.

On a scale of Palin to Obama, I give these a Mccain. Which is somewhere in the middle but definitely towards the bottom.

Recipe
Horrible Turkey Burgers
1.5 lb. organic ground turkey
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil leaves
1 tbsp. roasted garlic
1/2 shallot finely minced
5 large white mushrooms chopped fine
1 large egg slightly beaten
1 handful crushed tortilla chips
salt and pepper to taste

Mix all in a bowl, make patties and cook till done. No need to bother trying to gussy them up- you can't hide the fact that these suck.

The First Step....

2008-10-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

Step one is admitting you are a housewife....

It has been almost a year since I left New York to begin creating my nest in Pittsburgh. Though children are still a distant thought, the idea of owning a home and enjoying more space than our one-bedroom, mouse-infested apartment in Queens was tempting enough to inspire a move to Pittsburgh.

I had to quit my well paid and very enjoyable job upon leaving New York. I had to, but that's not how it happened. They offered to let me work from home. I thought this would only last a few months. But as I am narrowing in on one year I realize this position could be as permanent as when I reported to an office each day like the rest of you suckers.

Working from home is the best deal anyone could ask for, but it does get fairly dull staring at a computer all day. Your mind wanders, your urge to watch soap operas increases and your motivation to get out of your pajamas and take a shower fades.

From January to early spring a typical day in my life looked a bit like this:

* Wake up at 8:59, exactly one minute before I was to report "in" for work

* Pull my laptop onto the bed and pull the covers back over me

* Sleep for 30-45 minutes more

* Browse Perezhilton, WWTDD, check my e-mail, facebook, myspace, humane society website to see if they have any cute new dogs.

* Send IM to my boss to show him I am a committed employee

* Get out of Bed

* Make coffee and eat some food, probably lunch as it should be around 1:00 by this point

* Take work calls, write work e-mails, send out bills while watching Gilmore Girls repeats

* Fight off the temptation to drink whiskey

* Take a Power Nap

* Figure out what time my bosses will be leaving work and figure out what could possibly happen between then and now and try to avoid that.

* Fight off temptation to smoke weed.

* Browse Perezhilton, WWTDD, check my e-mail, facebook, myspace and the humane society

* Brush my teeth

* Send IM to boss thus proving my commitment

Please notice that I have not listed 'shower'. This could go on for days at a time. I may even wear the same clothes all day then to bed and the next day. I would only change when I knew Sean would be coming home and would notice. I realized this was not me. I was fading into my furniture. I needed to get off my ass and start doing something during the day. The problem is I can't leave my house because I need to be available when needed for work.

It started slowly. I increased the frequency of fancy homemade dinners. I painted a few rooms. I bought a set of vintage aprons. Then one day, I woke up and thought, What the hell, let's do this thing!

So I decided to become a serious housewife. Well, kind of. I decided to take on all parts of being a housewife I found enjoyable and ignore the parts I don't. So please, don't expect my house to be clean or my sheets to be ironed. That kind of thing doesn't happen here. Maybe that's something for the future, but for now I do what interests me, what is fun, and what entertains others.

This blog will be full of ideas for entertaining, recipe successes and failures, party ideas and random "housewifey" tips. There will also be restaurant reviews, cool things to do and ideas on wasting time. And I am getting paid for this! My job takes about 2 hours a day on average to complete so whatever else I find myself doing during that 9 hour day, you will find here. So while you're sitting in your office pretending to work; read up. Learn a few tips. Avoid a few pitfalls. Because no one knows when they might unexpectedly find themselves becoming a housewife.